Where will all of this be posted? … So that I can avoid it, ofc.

NoIP works great for me so far!

TIL

So, which distro will they be using?

What makes them think that I even have a 5 year old account on any social media platform?

“Sorry, you can’t enter the US unless you have a social media account”

Not saying that that’s a bad idea, but you could also just install Linux. Bazzite is similar to Steam OS and was a breeze to install. Pop os might be easier to get into if you also use your computer for other stuff than gaming, and was also easy to install.